This weekend I went with my father and grandparents to my cousin's wedding in northern Michigan. I had originally just gone along to support my father, who was performing the ceremony, and to hang out with my relatives, but ended up having to spend a lot of the time helping out my grandparents. My grandfather is always slightly confused (he introduced me as his niece, and kept forgetting my name), has hearing aids that don't seem very functional, and has a lot of trouble walking. He takes the tiniest, slowest steps imaginable, but he gets around. My grandmother is very sharp and normally healthy, but fell down some steps onto the beach and sprained her ankle horribly, so we had to run around town taking her to get x-rays, finding a wheelchair, and making sure she'd be comfortable at the wedding. She absolutely hates asking for help, but seemed to enjoy ordering me around while I packed and unpacked her stuff and brought her food and things. I was glad I was there to help, but a lot of it was really frustrating. My grandmother and aunt were barking orders at me about half the time, but we got to just chill the other half, so that was good, and everybody remained in good spirits all weekend. I feel pretty awkward with most of my cousins, who are quite a bit older than me, and, as most of you know, I feel pretty awkward with people in general, so that was also draining.

During last week and this, I work 8-10 hour days at the seminary doing the writing coaching part of the day and being the assistant to my mom's assistant the rest of the time: copying, filing, mailing, data entry, and generally running around like a chicken with its head cut off. And then I have to do school stuff when I get home.

As some of you know, I have a lot of weird low-grade physical ailments like joint pain, digestive problems (you don't wanna know), chronic colds, heart palpitations and intense fatigue (especially after eating). I've been to the doctor several times this summer and they did tests and told me nothing. So maybe it is all in my head or whatnot. But it's getting worse, and I am kind of wondering if I'll be able to handle this school year. Which I will, no matter what I have to go through.

Even though I'm already behind where I should be on this thesis business, because I kept thinking I had all summer and could type the notes later--so now I have 6 sizable novels and a huge book of essays that I've digested and underlined like crazy but need to put on paper. Because I need to draft this proposal. Which I will somehow find the strength and brain to do in the next week.

I keep having really vivid dreams where I run into people from different parts of my life and am able to tell them all the things I've always wanted to but have never had the balls to while awake, calmly and rationally, and they listen and respond in kind. It's very liberating, and makes me feel as if I've accomplished something, until I wake up and realize all the misunderstandings, great and small, will fester eternally, and we're all too defensive, and etc. And I can't really say more because this journal is in no way a safe space for me anymore and it's too complicated to edit my friends list and filters are too much work and a new journal just seems silly. My days of public laundry-airing have ended and I've got nothing else to show or say because I really don't know what there is to me.